Denali

Yellow leaves fallen from our maple tree line our yard, untouched by a boy and his dog. I meant to get out there, to let them play, but it's been pretty chilly. It was 'suppose to be in the 50's next week'. Perfect I thought. I can photograph them playing together… just as I did last year at this time as they spent their second month together as they began to develop a bond like no other. No other then a boy and his dog.

Next week came. Next week is now. It was never that warm, and it rained. But that's besides the fact…

I sit here with so many thoughts in my mind right now yet at the same time, absolutely no words to say. Hot tears roll down my cheeks as I constantly ask myself if I made the right decision. My heart is aching more then it's ached in a long time. Three days ago we had to make an unexpected decision to put our absolutely beautiful, sweet, loving 1 1 /2  year old German Sheppard down due to a genetic defect with his esophagus, leading him to get severe phenomena.

He seemed perfectly fine until he suddenly threw up. Then he kept throwing up. He was just at the vet 3 weeks ago for this and they couldn't find a thing wrong with him. The next day after the vet, he acted like he's never been sick, and for 3 weeks he was his normal crazy, playful self. Until he suddenly threw up. Again and again. His stomach sank in and he couldn't find a place that would offer him comfort. It got so bad we took him to a 24 hour vet clinic due to it being late at night. After extensive x-rays we find out he has an enlarged esophagus. The food and water he ate came right back up, further getting inhaled into his lungs, causing phenomena. He quickly became dehydrated from throwing up and close to kidney failure. So we brought him home with fluid replacement IV's and went straight to our regular vet the first thing the following morning.

Sadly we learned it would be a never ending battle because his condition could not be corrected, only a chance of being managed. Being managed by eating 4 small meals a day in a special sitting position and had to remain in that position for 30 minutes after eating. Seemed almost near impossible with our schedules and our pups crazy hyper playful personality. He couldn’t drink water whenever he wanted. It had to be in that same sitting position. We would have to find a special diet which would agree with him. I had no problem with that, I'd be willing to cook for him.

But it wasn't just that. It was the reoccurring phenomena. It could happen anytime he were to breathe water or food into his lungs. It was a heart breaking feeling watching him throw up again and again in pain to the point of developing bleeding ulcers. It was going to be shoving pills down his throat everyday that have no guarantee to help but a mile long list of negative side effects on other organs.

So I sat there next to my listless pup as my husband, son, and dad stood close by with tears in their eyes. Do we hospitalize him for the phenomena overnight or two or three nights to see if he can recover? The vets voice in the background ringing through my head "It's a very good chance the phenomena can come back even in a few weeks."

It was the hardest decision, do we try one more time or do we let him rest? It was all on me. I was the one to make the ultimate decision. Logically I knew what was right, yet in my heart I held him close and couldn't let him go.

My husband and dad were logical. I think men are when it comes to things like this. I'm a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer. After losing the three dogs we had all in the past 2 years, all living their full life, ultimately dying from age related problems, this pup was a gift from my parents to our son. I envisioned them growing up together. They had a bond like no other. It was a bond that I remember having as a child as I grew up with my dogs. It was a bond that I got immense joy in watching. It was a bond that was now in my hands… to be broken.

Yet my dreams wouldn't change the fact Denali had a congenital disorder that couldn’t be corrected (although the 24 hour vet did mention a surgery that could run us about $5,000-$10,000…with no guarantee). My dreams of Denali being a part of our family would never change the cold hard fact that he could very well be hurting inside. A pain he never showed until it became too much to bare as he hunched over throwing up. My dreams couldn't change the fact that given a medicine to help one aspect could hurt and damage many others. It couldn't change the fact that we simply couldn't afford constant hospital runs at $1000,00 a pop or more to stabilize him.

So there I sat knowing, although I had the choice to try again, I knew the right thing was to let my dreams die right along with him.

So I picked up my crying son who pleaded with me to just let Denali die at home. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t let Denali suffocate. I couldn't let Dylan see Denali struggle like that. I would never let Denali struggle like that. So there we stood, my husband, dad, the two vets and myself with Dylan tight in my arms. We stood around Denali as he lay helpless on the table as we all said goodbye.

The pain of losing him felt unbearable and as the vet listened for any remaining heartbeat I almost had hope that he was still alive. Maybe we could try…. Yet the vet whispered ok and covered him over and instantly my deep regret set in that we should have tried again. Now that we learned what the problem was, we could have tried again.  Yet those were my dreams again, fighting for that space in my mind as logically we did what was best for Denali.

I've lost many dogs throughout my life, each one of us holding onto them longer then we should have. Yet Denali was different. I've never lost a puppy before. But it wasn't just that he was a puppy. It wasn't that he was my boy who'd follow me around just like Abby, our Sheppard we had before for 12 years. It wasn't that he was a gift to our son from my parents, which made him special too. It wasn't the phenomenal connection I witnessed between Denali and Dylan. It was all of that that but wasn't just all of that.  Denali was a love. A complete love that makes me wonder why is it such devastation and pain has to happen to the good in the world? Why can't this be spared on the good and used towards the evil?  To the ones who purposely kill, the ones who purposely abuse animals and children. If there has to be evil in this world, then so be it but why does pain have to impose on the good, the loves, the ones who put their hearts out there with compassion and love and bring sunshine to this dark world?  I can ask myself why a million times and I know I will never find the answer.

Why Denali I ask? There are a million dogs in the world, why Denali? Yet as these few days pass and I am surrounded with my family and friends who are also in shock and heartbroken about this, I come to realize if Denali were to be with another family, who knows his outcome. Maybe he would have been lucky to fall in the arms of a rich family who could afford $1,000.00 vet visits and a shot at an almost $10,000 surgery. Yet on the other hand maybe he would have fallen into the arms of a lost soul who was only out for himself, not giving Denali the love he deserved, the attention he longed for or the vet visits to try to get to the source of the problem…to at least give him a chance. Maybe he would have been left alone to die a dark, lonely, painful death.

Who knows. All I know is that Denali was one of the absolute best things that ever came into our life and I know for a fact we were the best that came into his. It's so painful that he was taken from our family. We gave him more love then you can imagine and the fact that Denali had the chance to have a bond with a young boy, our son, to run and play side by side was like a dream. Denali lived a wonderful life for the short life he lived. He knew we loved him and as he took his very last breath, he knew we were all there. He died in the most peaceful way for any pain he was in was lifted from him as the unforgettable memories of himself and his boy, our son, went away with him forever.

I'm not angry about this, I'm just deeply, deeply saddened. If the point does ever come where I feel angry, I need to remind myself to replace that anger with love. Love for the good in my life. Love for what we did have with Denali. Love to give to another dog in time. No other can ever replace Denali. He was something special. Yet we are all left with this empty void in our hearts from being without our four legged friend. The pain cuts deep yet time will pass and somewhere out there will be a dog in need of a home, of love, of compassion, and of a boy who would be willing to try again…to form an unforgettable bond.