September

Here it is mid-September and I find the promises I made to myself to slow down this year are just a faded idea of the past. I can't even believe in just a few short weeks ghosts will be dangling from our ceiling and thanks to my son and his love for the season, a few pumpkins already adorn our front porch. I mean, he already wore his costume out once on our morning walk and suddenly speaks more of Halloween then anything summer. Clearly fall is here, for I've seen more trees hinting towards yellow then the vibrant green the long days of summer held and the evenings and mornings hold a chill that July never has.

What about those seedlings I feel we just planted? Oh yes, that was back in April....

How, I ask myself, is fall here? How do I feel, once again, I'm saying 'I can't believe it's September already'? How are the long days of summer gone to the shorter cooler days of fall so soon?

I don't know about you but I had the thought in my head 'this will be the year', 'this will be the summer' that I will make last. That I will slow waaaay down and really appreciate the limited days I have with my little boys, for they are both just growing up so fast. Yet the clock ticks and the days and weeks and months slip by like nothing...almost unnoticed.

Did I not keep my promise, to be more present? I thought I did...at times. Yet I will admit, not entirely. Actually, at times, it felt next to impossible.

Yet when I look back at all the photos I've taken over the year, I see the many things we have done and I am reminded of the memories I have tried to create for myself and for my boys. Looking at my photos,  I guess we did take full advantage of the time. Why I'm not feeling it, and feeling more surprised September is already here and half way though might I add, I'm not sure. Maybe I expected the year to last longer. Maybe I expected it to just go slower. Maybe that's why, because I 'expected' it a certain way. I don't know. Maybe because I still let my mind wander in moments I should have been more present.

Yet I guess a picture says a thousand words and it is in those moments that I was indeed there, for all that matters. I was as present as I could have been, for I tried my best as I promised myself I would. Because it is I who fight against a mind and heart that doesn't quit. My racing mind of all I want to do and see. It races of the good things and the struggles. My heart so full of love for everything that calls me that I try to do so much. Yet perhaps that is why I feel yet another year has flown by. Not only from my 'expectations' of it being slower, but because I try to cram in more then time allows.

See, my boys don't do that. Most fortunate children don't. They are here in that exact moment, lost in the wonderful, magical world of play and time is not even a question. Time doesn't even exist in their world. I remember those days, sitting on the floor playing with my ponies or swinging on my tree swing held up by a massive limb of our willow tree. I swung so high into the dangling branches I swore I could have reached the clouds above. I have to admit, I miss those days.

If there is anything I have learned is children can teach a million things. I think I have learned more from my boys then I have taught them. The first thing is, don't live for tomorrow, or an hour from now. Live in the now because really the 'now' is all we have. Who knows what later in the day may bring or if we will even have a tomorrow. The older we get and the more responsibilities we collect in life, the harder it becomes. Yet really, none of us is guaranteed any time other then the exact moment and the breath we take in at that moment. Beyond that it's all just expectations. It's the here and now we must learn to treasure. It's another breath, another photo, another smile, another tear. It's feeling freedom yet the weight of the world all at the same time. A moment can hold a lot, yet no matter how much we hold in our mind and heart, if we're not present in that moment we will for sure miss it all.

Both my boys have taught me that. A smile can turn into tears in an instant. A simple thought can transform an entire hour into a magical world of wonder.  Happiness and anger, calmness and frustration. All of it can be felt in a moment. For it is real and raw and not filtered and more present then the majority of anyone reading this can comprehend. We grow away from presence as we have more and more put on our plate. I know at least I have at times.

So now, I bring myself back. I bring myself back to that warm sip of lemongrass tea, to that sweet smell of orange peel in the diffuser, to the feeling of the softest and finest Merino Wool from the blanket I brought home from our trip to the Faroe Islands. I bring myself back to the song of the birds, to the rustling of the leaves in the trees as the gentle breeze blows through open windows and forest paths, to the tapping of the rain on a cloudy day or to the words of my deepest favorite song. I bring myself back to the voice of my two year old saying 'mommy' over and over again and to my older boy's little hands on his dinosaurs,  him lost in a world of play, timeless in every way. I bring myself back to the place I sit and read to my boys and the stories that ignite their world, or to the freshly blended sweet smoothies I make or the fresh baked cookies we bake. I bring myself back to the flowers in our garden or the fresh cut ones I bring to fill the vases. The colors, the smells, the life they add to any room.

I bring myself back to the little things that make up a moment.

That's all we can do when our days seem to rush by and our mind races. We need to bring our self back to the moment. To the sounds and smells and feelings in that moment. For really, it is all we really have and if we don't pay attention, it will be gone, the moment, a thing of the past... just like another year.

I try to do this often, yet of course, I am not perfect. I fail at times as well. Perhaps that is why I am in shock it is indeed mid-September. Yet still I try again and again and as with anything, we get better with practice, right?

Yes, we do.

I think we can all slow down our days a bit with just the simple practice of being present. And even then, as hard as we try to slow time down, maybe the months are just meant to go this quickly.