Sometimes It’s OK to Hold on

This year is coming to a quick close, isn't it?

This past month I really gave it all my intention to make the coming of Christmas special for my boys. We decorated together, we crafted, we read a few Christmas stories, watched a bunch of Christmas movies, they both enjoyed an advent calendar, we baked, went to the Christmas market, had a busy Elf on the shelf visiting, visited Santa and we filled the house with Christmas music and smells. It was all very intentional, doing what I felt mattered most to my boys, as we stayed far away from busy lines in stores and over-crowded parking lots.

Usually by now I am eager to pack away the Christmas decor, to clear up the house and get it back to it's simpler setting before the new year...yet this year it was hard for me. This year everything seemed like I should have left it linger a bit longer, almost as if the beautiful decor was calling for a space in our every day life. Yet still I packed it away, I did, yet it didn't feel right.

Christmas was extremely quiet for us this year, for a few reasons, as it was just my mom visiting on Christmas day. Yet Christmas Eve it was my mom and sister who both came. My sister, almost 20 years older then I. My sister who has been there for me through thick and thin. My sister who is more then just a sister but like a best friend, like a second mother at times.  My sister who has never said no to me, no matter how hard the effort on her end. My sister who has not let a day go by without reminding me how much she loves me.

My sister who has been ill for years. My sister who spent the majority of her spring, summer, and fall between hospitals, rehab centers and nursing homes. My sister, who I really wasn't sure would still be with us this year.

Yet she is...and as hard as it was for her with her crutch, and wheel chair, showed up to our house to be with us. To be with my boys who she cherishes deeper then any soul can go.

Due to things I won't get into, and it was nothing between her and I, but this was my sisters first Christmas with my boys. I am afraid it could also be her last.

All of this left me very emotional.

Christmas Eve night was beautiful and calm. We shared a wonderful dinner, the boys opened the gifts from her, we ate homemade chocolate chip cookies and listened to Christmas music. Yet the night, no matter how much I longed for it to linger, passed by as quickly as any other night, and before we knew, it was time for her to go.

I stood there, behind her wheel chair, wrapping my arms tight around her...and that was it. We both just cried. Silent tears and whisper quiet sobs. We only shared a few words, like I love you, but I think we were both thinking the same thing...

I watched as my husband helped her to her van, my mom following a few minutes after. My sister sat there in her wheel chair in the open garage door, the light from her van lighting up the yellow balloon my son made into a little hot air balloon. It blew around, dangling off the top of her oxygen tank, twisting around in the bitter cold air as a Christmas tune played off my phone in the background. My two year old on my hip as his gift of deep compassion and sensing emotions only left his little arms tight around my neck as tears rolled down my cheeks.

And just like that, her lights flashed to say goodbye and off she drove, taking my mom with her to drop her home before she herself headed back home.

I was left with a pain in my heart I have never experienced before.One that left me seeing the reality of it all in a different way and deeper then I ever have.

 

Yesterday I stood looking at my dining room, the Christmas magic all cleared away, the spot at the end of the table where my sister sat in her wheel chair now empty.

I wonder still, should I have let all my Christmas decor linger a bit longer? Packing it away and thinking of the quiet night of Christmas Eve and all that is now over. This time it is really breaking my heart.

Yet our days must move on. Time must go on. I must remain strong, especially for my boys.

Oh, but I'm falling apart inside. 

I tell my sister there is so much I would change. She tells me "oh but sweetie, there is so much I wouldn't".

She is right too.

I am in no way looking for sympathy here. I am in no way trying to portray a 'I'm sorry for you' feeling. I am writing this because I hold all this in my heart and my thoughts and my heart run deep, all the time and this is my little space I have created to share. Not to share stories for sympathy.

To share stories because I know, for a fact, I am not the only one.

I am not the only one loosing someone so dear to me. I am not the only one who feels this pain deep in my heart. I am not the only one scared of what will happen when I do loose her, as many have that feeling knowing they are loosing someone so close and dear to them. Sadly, many feel it deeply always, for ones they have lost recently or long ago.

It doesn't matter when, the pain remains. 

We hang on and hang on and they always say 'to just let go'.

Well, much of that is easier said then done.

Hugging my sister the way I always have and especially on this past Christmas Eve, will stay with me forever. The fact she loves my boys and I deeper then any soul can go will stay with me forever.

And her words...

For there is so much I would change, but to her...there is so much she wouldn't.

I will hang on to her sweet words forever.