Something I never shared.

Early last year, I was pregnant. After about 6 weeks I wound up having a miscarriage. To be a 100% honest with you, I thank God over and over again I was only about 6 weeks along and not 4 or 5 months along like some woman have to go through. I thank God I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and not delivered a still born baby at 9 months. I thank God over and over again for the way this happened.

Yet at first I didn’t. My first thought was, why me? Why did that have to happen to me and my poor child? Why did God choose me to go through the pain of losing a child?  In truth, being an active girl who tries to eat right, I never thought that would happen to me. It was always something I would just ‘hear’ about …but never me.

Yet God had other plans. At first I was hurt and angry and deeply sad. I felt a pain deep in my heart that only a mother could understand. I saw mothers with their new born babies and other children standing beside her and I felt almost an unfairness. I wanted another child too. Why did I have to lose mine?

Yet time passed as it always does. The days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into months and before I knew it, summer had come upon us. I sat watching Dylan playing in his little pool and I thought of all the life events that lead me to have him. I realized God really does have plans for each and every one of us, as so does the force of the universe. I began to realize, instead of thinking ‘why me’, I began to realize how easy I did have it.

There are people out there struggling every single day with every disease
imaginable. There are homeless people and people who grew up with their parents not wanting them. There are people in car wrecks and people who loose family members or lose a two or six year old child. For that I could not even fathom. There are the poor mothers who carry a child for 6 months only to hear nothing but an absent heart beat or the ones to deliver a still born baby or a baby
with major complications.

And here I was sad that I had (physically) an easy miscarriage? No pain, no symptoms other then the passing of blood as if a regular monthly cycle. I hated myself in that moment, for I had felt so ungrateful. Yet still, it was my child. Still, mentally, it wasn’t an easy thing. Yet many things that come our way in life aren’t easy. Why do we think things should always be or are a bit shocked when they are not?

It’s strange when things happen to us, no matter how big or small, we might think ‘why me’ or that we should have gotten off easy. Why is that? Don’t we all deserve a bit of the share of grief? Don’t we all need grief in our lives to realize things could always be worse? As painful as it can be, personally I think we all need it. Grief not only sets us straight again but it wakes us up to realize we are living, breathing, feeling creatures that sometimes get too swept up in our own selfish daily lives to truly see and hear others, ourselves and our very own beating hearts.

Sadly, sometimes, facing grief in our life is the only way we learn. Without it, not much changes. Without it, not much sticks. Without it, we may tend to lose appreciation.

The day my baby’s heart stopped beating was a day many were conceived.
It was a day many babies were born. Yet it was also a day many lives were unexpectedly taken. It was a day many who lived out their life fully had to say goodbye. I was not the only one facing losing a child or a loved one. There were many.

As the days went on, I realized this and I realized God gives each and every one of us what we can handle. I realized that I have a happy, healthy son who needed me fully regardless of what else was going on. I realized my miscarriage was nothing compared to some peoples pain. I realized there was a reason. God said no, not now, not this one. You can’t argue with the universe. You can’t fight against nature. All you can do is open your heart and trust.

And I did. All year long. I prayed for another chance. I prayed for a brother or sister for my little boy, Dylan. Time went on. More time went on. I became another year older. And more time went on. And then, come this last September, I found out I was pregnant. Yes, I am. Almost 9 months along now.

Am I terrified every day I could have a miscarriage again? Absolutely. That
is something that does not just leave a mother’s mind after going through it. Yet
I am more than thankful to God and to the universe for this child growing
inside of me. This time God said yes, it’s time. This time the universe heard
me as I laid my hands upon it. This time the baby is big enough to see in an
ultrasound and healthy enough to hear his little fast paced heart. This time is
my time. There will be other babies born the day my baby is. There will be
other children who never make it to this side of the world the day my baby is
born.

I’ll be honest, I am scared. I just need my baby to make it. I need him to be ok.

Life is way too fragile yet living in our busy day to day life, it is so easy to look that over. It is so easy to get caught up in the should have’s and could have’s and wishes and loose what's in front of us. Yet as much as we feel we can
control our lives, there is something much, much bigger out there. A force much
stronger that can beat any one of us down in an instant. I think many times we tend to forget that, that is, until grief comes our way. Then we are reminded.

I hold tight to what I do have in my life and I hold tight to my son. He is by far every beat in my heart. I hold tight to this child inside me, praying to God he makes it to see the sun, to lay peacefully and safely in my arms. To feel his deep, speechless love of his mother, to experience the love his big brother will hold for him, for him to make it here to feel life. I pray for him to see this big, beautiful world and all it has to offer. To take his first breath and hopefully trillions more until his last at a ripe old age. I pray to God this time more than ever, because now I know more than ever how fragile every living, breathing, creature on
this earth really is. I pray and I trust and that’s all each and every one us
can really do sometimes, because not everything we think in our hands really
is .There is a bigger force out there, and in that, all we can do, is have
hope and to trust. That’s all we can do...and continue on our journey the
best we can.

I look forward to being back here and running this blog again. It feels amazing  knowing I am doing something positive and purposeful and giving back to the world through my art, thought my thoughts and through my words. We are all on our own journey in life, yet at the same time, we all long for a deeper connection. I hope you can find that here